Self-pity

Girls in el Delta

In any new job it's easy to be assailed by doubts: do I know what I'm doing? Is it effective? Am I using my skills? Am I being appropriately humble and trusting and non-forceful about my opinions as an outsider, or am I just not doing anything? Dealing with these issues in yet another new job, I have found myself falling into self-pity occasionally, which Corrie ten Boom calls "a very respectable sin, logical and convincing, and places self on the throne."

Yesterday I went with my friend Lidia to visit another friend's sister who has been confined to bed for a year and a half due to illness. I ended up leaving the two of them to talk and went into the living room with Isidora, a Paraguayan woman that helps her during the week. She had recently gotten some blood work done and hadn't had a doctor's visit yet (here they go to the lab or x-ray or ultrasound, get their own results or films and then take them to their doctor), so I explained some of her lab results and then we got to talking. She was clearly distracted, and it turned out she was having a hard time being away from her country and most of her family during her culture's biggest holiday week. She came to Argentina nearly a year ago both to find work and get away from her abusive husband, and had left five of her seven children with him. She described to me the typical holiday activities, which primarily involve lots of family get-togethers especially on Thursday and Sunday.

It turns out she's only one year older than me. She was amazed that I have no children and have never been married. I told her that I can't imagine how sad it would be to leave children behind, and of course she can't imagine what it's like to be childless. We then started talking about Paul, who wrote a lot of the letters in the Bible. He'd dealt with shipwrecks, beatings, imprisonment, being left for dead, etc. He also wrote one of the new churches (1 Thessalonians 5:16-17): Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances....

We started talking about how when we start giving thanks for things, we realize we really have a lot to be thankful for. She has a good job and two of her children here and she's no longer living in an abusive relationship. I've gotten to travel and meet so many new people and be a part of wonderful ministries.

We're funny creatures. I've discovered I can get mired in self-pity even for living in a big city in a decent apartment rather than in the middle of a jungle. That's strange enough, but then I had a funky health problem and I was fine attitude-wise -- I think we are given extra grace in some situations. On my latest trip to Salta I encountered bugs I'd apparently never met before. Two weird things: (1) the bites didn't itch at all until day four, which was thankfully after I returned home. Here's a picture at day seven:

And (2) check out the crazy swelling -- people were staring at me in the bus on the way home. I think I looked like I had a scary disease. This is at day five.

Holy Week

My nephew Xander has a birthday this week!

I ran a few errands this morning, had a great walk with my friend's dog, and then took most of the day to read and reflect -- after all, it's Saturday of Holy Week, and I'm in a country that has a four-day weekend! I read a book (borrowed from friends) from the late 80s called When the Spirit Comes with Power: Signs and Wonders among God's People by British psychiatrist John White. The takeaway message for me? God is calling us to relationship. Crazy and wonderful and confusing things happen sometimes, or don't happen to us even when they're happening all around us, but God will not be placed in a box, and what God wants is a genuine, living, loving relationship with us. Hmm...I sense a theme to this week....

I've been really impressed with what God is doing in my life in and through this new way of living. The challenges are not always what I anticipated: in fact, most of the challenges I've met before in some form but are now more intense or seem more serious or something. So many experiences I've had in the past are being put to use, including my previous training in "warfare" prayer and the years I spent investigating biblical feminism and learning to trust God and die to self while working at a conservative Christian organization, etc.

Tomorrow after church I'm heading up to Baradero to meet with Silvia and Horacio who've been there since Thursday. I'll return to town with them on Monday. We have very exciting plans: we're working on our quarterly report! It is very important that we account for all of the money that is spent in our areas and chart our progress and inform the broader community of our prayer requests, but it doesn't sound very thrilling, does it? I received a notice from the US State Department warning of travel difficulties due to road blockages caused by farmers protesting increased taxes on grain exports. That's exciting, I suppose, but Silvia told me that the road was blocked just after Baradero so they were able to get there without difficulty. :-)

My friend Nadia put a couple of Bebo Norman songs on my computer. One of them just came on which I thought was appropriate as we've just gone through Lent and it has to do with some of the things I've posted about, too. It's called, "The Hammer Holds." I've copied the lyrics below and you can listen to it on YouTube.

A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds

Ups and Downs

Warning: fairly personal posting ahead.

I've had lots of ups and downs recently. Within the last week there were days of great events alternating with days of inner turmoil and messiness. Today was a great day. I had been running recently from relating fully with God -- you know how it is, giving a little but not all. I prayed, read the Bible, asked forgiveness, but I continued to run errands when I sensed I needed to be worshiping. In fact, in the past few weeks I've really sensed a need to rest in the love of God. Thankfully, due to my deaf ears, God kept raising the volume.

Two days ago I read John 15, including verse 9 where Jesus says: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love." The author of the Bible study I'm doing notes two huge messages. One, Jesus loves us with the same love with which God loved him (i.e. a lot) and two, we are told to "abide," rest, dwell, live in that love.

Yadda yadda yadda I said. I'll get to that soon.

Frustrated with some poor choices I'd made, I opened the book of encouraging notes my church had written and read one which reminded me to "fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith...so that you may not grow weary and lose heart." I half-heartedly thanked God for the message and moved on, continuing with my self-condemnation.

Then my friend Erin wrote on her blog about my home church's women's conference this past weekend, and its focus on"God's extravagant love." Okay, okay, just let me get a few more things done first, or feel sorry for myself and nap, whatever.

Then another friend wrote to me that she had flipped past a radio station which talked about "working so hard to please HIM that you miss out on HIS love." She told me that maybe I "should just stop and let God love [me]." This is a good friend of mine, although we think very differently on spiritual topics -- for example, she doesn't have a church background nor does she go to church nor, as far as I know, does she routinely listen to Christian radio.

Right, pretty important if God's working this hard to get through to me. Just let me finish my expense reports, then tomorrow morning I'll get serious about it.

I woke up today and after spending a few hours praying, and more to go, I realized I probably wasn't going to get any of the work done that I had planned. But what a great day.

Sebastian in El Delta

Towards the end of the day I had to go to a friend's house to feed and walk her dog. I kicked back a little at her house to keep the dog company, and read from Corrie ten Boom's Not Good if Detached. If you're not familiar with Corrie ten Boom, she is a Dutch woman who spent nearly a year in prisons, labor camps, and a concentration camp for her work during World War II helping Jewish people escape from the Nazis. Out of her entire family, she was the only survivor. A week before her sister died in the concentration camp she told Corrie, "We have a message for the world. From experience we can now tell that a child of God can never go so deep into darkness that he will not always find beneath him the everlasting arms that uphold him."

I could go on to quote the whole book, it's fabulous. Pick up a copy at your local used book store today. I will content myself with quoting the reason she wrote it: "In this third book I have included some things I have learned through meeting a great variety of people around the world, but more of the things He has taught me who said, 'Lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.' Connected with Him in His love, I am more than conqueror; without Him, I am nothing. Like some railway tickets in America, I am 'Not good if detached'."

Evelin in El Delta

Encouragement

Soccer in the Delta -- can you find the ball? Click on the image to make it bigger.

The day I was commissioned at my home church they gave me a book filled with pages of encouraging notes from the congregation. I brought this with me to Argentina, and last week on a day I was discouraged I opened it and read some of the notes. One anonymous note said, "We will be praying for you every day. You are not alone. Psalm 115." What does Psalm 115 say?

Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!

This is not about me, but about something much bigger and beyond me.

O Israel, trust in the LORD! He is their help and their shield. O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD! He is their help and their shield. You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD! He is their help and their shield. The LORD has remembered us; he will bless us; he will bless the house of Israel, he will bless the house of Aaron, he will bless those who fear the LORD, both the small and the great.

I've been reading the Bible chronologically this year, and so have recently read about how trustworthy God is to keep the plans and promises that God has made, rescuing the Israelites from Egypt and providing for them in the desert. God alone is our help and our shield, not the people we work with or organizations or anything else we want to trust in.

The heavens are the LORD's heavens, but the earth he has given to the children of man.

God has allowed us time on the earth in part to work for justice for all people and peace with God and harmony with our neighbor and with the earth. I have a purpose and a call, as we all do.

Today at the Libertador Church the history of their work in Baradero and the work for holistic community transformation was announced. The bulletin cover says, "Come on over to Baradero and help us..." which was what was asked of the church in 1999. The cover goes on to say: Today we begin to live together a faith experience. God is challenging the Libertador Church to look for the lost and needy. And then it quotes Romans 10: 14-15, "But how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent?" We prayed over Silvia and Horacio as they begin their year seeking to move to Baradero full-time to bring lasting change the people in that area. I get to walk alongside them in this process. What a privilege, and what perfect timing for me to be here!

Samila at the feeding center in the Delta

Martin, who was seated next to Samila

House Guests

I had the immense privilege of having my first house guests last night! Three of the ten who were at the meeting these past two days were returning to Paraguay this morning, and although the retreat center where the meeting was held is closer to the airport, it is more difficult to get to. So, they went to the Luis Palau Festival last night which was held on the "widest avenue in the world" (or the widest in Latin America, depending on who's measuring) in the center of Buenos Aires, and then came to my apartment.

This morning they prayed a blessing over breakfast and over my ministry, shared scripture with me, and then prayed again for me and my ministry. I am so grateful for the ways of God -- we can move beyond gratitude to blessing and fellowship and prayer and unity. Amazing.

While waiting for the taxi to the airport, Walter said: "Pray for a love for the people. What kept Jesus going all the way to the cross was his love, and this will keep you going in difficult times." Walter knows from difficult, having received death threats for his work in Paraguay.

Traveling Again

Lucrecia and her mother, Doña Lidia, make fried empanadas the night after the training in Burela, Salta.

Well, I've been delayed in posting -- I have had a lot to catch up on after my travels. I just counted, and in this 50-day stretch I'll be staying away from home 25 of the nights, so I thought I would post the rest of my itinerary! This is actually a great agenda for my second - third month in the country, since making contacts and networking are very important parts of my job.

March 12 - 14, Wednesday - Friday
Evangelismo Cono Sur
Maximo Paz (province of Buenos Aires)
10 - 20 people get together to share our different visions of how to bring the good news of peace with God and harmony with our brothers and sisters to the southern "cone" of South America.

March 27 - 30, Thursday to Monday
How to Include Children and Adolescents Conference
Villa Giardino (Cordoba province)
Three days of meetings with various NGOs, including Compassion International, about how to work with marginalized children and adolescents. I'm just an attendee/networker at this one -- nice and relaxing!

April 4 - 6, Friday to Sunday
Rosario (third largest city in Argentina, in the province of Santa Fe)
I'm going there to meet with various individuals who are considering starting a CHE program in their city.

April 7 - 15, Monday to the following Tuesday (including travel)
Latin America Regional Council
Miami, Florida
LifeWind's Latin American missionaries (of whom I believe only two of us are American?) yearly meeting. Miami was chosen because it is very close for most of the attendees since the majority of the Western Hemisphere's programs are in the Caribbean and Central America.

April 15 and beyond
Anybody's guess! Just kidding. However, I don't have a return flight booked yet. I'm still considering flying to Cleveland, Ohio, since I'll be relatively close and my father and stepmother's church recently agreed to provide some financial support even though I have not met with their missions committee. I will be checking out flights to see if this is feasible.

Other Perspectives

For lots more information about Buenos Aires and Argentine news and culture, check out this website, "Good Airs" . It's written by two American reporters who moved to Buenos Aires in 2005. They have several interesting new links, including a YouTube video recently put together by the mayor of Buenos Aires which shows very negative aspects of the city. I tend to only post positive images on this website, and therefore although I've seen much of what that video shows (except for the violence) you won't see those pictures here.

There is a link to a great article on food in Argentina called "Argentina On Two Steaks a Day" which made me laugh, especially the parts about the sugar/sweeteners and the coffee. They also write about the drug "paco," which several of you have asked me about after hearing about it in the news in the U.S. On their blog they point out several interesting aspects to this "news" including plagiarism from older articles.

More Travel

I'll get to writing about the training we had in Salta soon. First, here are some more travel pics:

Lumbreras: The last bus stop on our way to Apolinario Saravia.

Things to do in Lumbreras while waiting for the bus: watch pigs cross the road.

Beautiful view of the countryside -- click on the photo to see more butterflies.

What to do when arriving at your destination? Hang out...here are Silvia and Marcelo doing just that. They are from the Iglesia Jesucristo Rey (IJR) in Cordoba. Marcelo volunteers as a Resource Facilitator with LifeWind -- as an accountant he's great at micro-enterprise teaching. He's also heading the IJR missions team in their work in Salta.

...and eat! Here are Gimena, Lita, and Chichi at supper. Gimena is Pastor Gabriel's daughter -- he's the missionary pastor in Apolinario Saravia. She's given up her room multiple times to visitors, including twice to me! Lita and Chichi are both trainers from the IJR in Cordoba. The next day was the first time they facilitated lessons, and they did a great job!

Here's Lucretia with her five-year-old son Josias. Lucretia's husband is Pastor Gabriel (whose arm you see), and they live at this house in Apolinario Saravia.

Fun fact: another beverage option in Argentina is a glass with 4/5 Coke and 1/5 beer. This one is actually really good if you only sort-of-maybe-a-little like beer, and it cuts down the sweetness of the Coke. It's also nice because there's no chance of getting tipsy!

Traveling Mercies

Margarita, my traveling companion. Despite her extensive experience traveling the country by bus (she's never owned a car), delays and missed opportunities abounded on this trip. We made the best of it and enjoyed the sunshine and butterflies in this park by the Metan bus terminal. Click on the photo to enlarge it and see all the white butterflies in the shrub.
Pan criollo (bread with lard) and Muscatel grapes -- the breakfast/lunch of champions when stranded all day in Metan! The butcher let me go behind his counter to wash off the grapes.

In the past seven days I traveled three times, the trips steadily increasing in time from 12 hours to 23 hours to 26 1/2 hours. Despite the facts that I cannot sleep sitting up and that the second trip should have only taken less time (a few mishaps along the way), the trips were rather enjoyable. During all three trips I had a lot to think about and process, and on the second trip I had a traveling companion. Also, when tempted to whine about the lack of sleep, I remembered my former career: as a medical student and even more as a resident, I frequently worked 24 - 30 hours at a time, the longest stretch being 34 hours. I remember once at my 34th hour I tried to dictate a lengthy discharge summary so that I wasn't leaving work for the next day. After several confusing starts, I realized it was a ridiculous idea! In my last job I was on call 24/7, usually including vacations. Thankfully, that call was by phone only, but the time on the phone easily added up to several hours per evening/night. Some nights I stayed awake to make follow-up calls or await results.

I've never held a job involving heavy manual labor. I was thinking about this on my last trip back to Buenos Aires -- I started the trip tired and was thinking about the more than 24 hours to go, then looked out my window and saw people working in the fields. Perspective is a good thing.

My medical school just started publishing a literary review. I really enjoyed one of the articles by a current student, Kurt Holt, entitled, "An Answer to the Question."

"The genesis of this is the questions we all get from the uninitiated. "So what's medical school like?" And maybe they're not really expecting an answer and they're just being polite, but I like to take people at their word, and here's the best answer I've been able to come up with. I welcome you to try this with family, friends, or innocent passersby this holiday season. You may tell them it's like imagining you're in Alaska, and you have two years to get to southern Chile. And you have to walk. To do this you only have to average about fourteen miles a day, you tell them....

You see it's not that fourteen miles in any one day is going to kill us....It's just that, let's say, you happen to want to take a day off, or there happen to be hills -- read tests -- coming up, and you know there's no way in the world you're going to get your fourteen miles in. So now that manageable fourteen miles has turned into thirty-five for the next four, and all you can think is if I had maybe four more hours everyday this week and I didn't need to sleep that much, it'd be fine. So, you sleep less and work more, you find your hair protrudes at odd angles, bags appear under your eyes, non-medical school friends make suggestions that you, say, shower more often, or maybe shave once in a while -- be you male or female.

But somehow we do it. We make up the time, and we're back to caught up, and we wake up happy as all get out that we only have to walk fourteen miles today. So, no, it's not brutally hard the way things can be, over the short term, but it's steady like old age....Because we live our lives in little snapshots. For a click of time we know a whole heck of a lot about, say cell biology, and then tomorrow, click, and it's gone."

Traveling

I´m still in the province of Salta. Things went really well with the training on Saturday, and I stayed a few extra days here. I´m currently at an internet place in the center of the small town of Apolinario Saravia, which is the big town next to the teeny town of Burela where our training was. There are CDs decorating the walls here, plus a poster saying ¨God is the living water¨to which someone has attached a calendar which is advertising a local store and has a picture of a woman in a bikini on it. It´s about to close, since it´s midnight, so I won´t write much more.

I will travel back to Buenos Aires tomorrow (Tuesday), leaving here at about 4:30 pm and arriving to downtown Buenos Aires about 24 hours later. If all goes well it´s just a quick two-block walk to my train station, a 45-minute ride to my stop, then six blocks home. I picked up a suitcase I brought down to Cordoba in September, but it´s super-sturdy with great wheels, so it should be easy to travel with. This is great because the handle on the small one I brought is breaking!

Again, it was a great weekend and I look forward to posting about it!