Nuttiness

I haven't had internet at home for awhile, so haven't added to my blog -- I'm so glad so many people have noticed!

Six weeks ago I received a reprieve from nuttiness. Sometimes it takes the right person with the precise words that touch your heart and your mind which gives you the key to understanding. I knew I was going crazy, working way too hard for the past four months, but I didn't see a way out. The work all seemed critical. A friend told me that I was listening to a lie. She was so right. I cannot simultaneously believe in a God who prescribes in regular periods of rest and a continual restfulness of the heart while thinking that impossible quantities of tasks must be accomplished regardless of sleep, stress, and fear.

The next day I was on a plane to Minnesota. Half of my plans for that trip were incomplete and the focus of the trip needed to change. On the plane I listened to a song a friend had given me. It's from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack:

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more

Listen to my heart: can you hear? It sings
Telling me to give you everything

I haven't read many of the ancient mystics, but this song made me think of them and of whole vistas that were open to me if I would truly trust and believe that which I say I believe. Since that trip I have gone to San Diego, Berkeley, and Modesto, California and prepared to leave my current job as clinical director and physician over two sites. More importantly, I have begun to digest a book by Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart. I have been meditating on Psalm 23, and while I recite the entire psalm, when it comes to meditation I have not gotten beyond the first phrase: The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Really, it says, "I shall not want." My heart shall be filled and be at peace and at rest because of the one who is my shepherd, and who declares that I need not want.

My friend also said that the key to determining my plans for my last few months in the States would be to look at what was life-giving. I'm not quite sure where this one is going, but it strikes a chord within me and I know it will be important. I will let you know!