Life is Messy

Last night I was called to the hospital to assist a C-section. I haven't been first assist in a surgery in over 10 years. It was fun – surgery is fascinating, from the organization and orchestration of it all to the privilege of seeing the inner workings of the human body. It was also challenging – I didn't always know how to best help the surgeon and I didn't have all the moves down (my non-dominant left hand had partially forgotten how to unclamp forceps, I wasn't always sure where to suction, etc.). The surgeon was one of my family physician co-workers, and he was nice about everything. He and I also discussed a few patients I've had recently that were challenging for me. I'm in my 40s now, so it's much easier to accept imperfection in myself – but in this profession it can be a head game trying not to perseverate over shortcomings.

I’m so far
away from my home
all out on my own.
Hang my tired eyes
on a clothesline in the sky. . .
Strong and stable
I’m capable
and my life
is still and yet haunted.

Those are lyrics from a song by Joy Kills Sorrow, a band I first heard today. Yup – “I'm capable . . . and yet.” And, “far away from my home”?   No kidding – for the past 17 years I've moved to a different state or country every one to three years. I also have "tired eyes" today – I've noticed that head colds require lots more sleep and coffee than they used to, one aspect of getting older that I don't appreciate. :-)

Except for one move back to St. Paul (where'd I'd lived for eight years just prior to all this craziness), all of my moves have involved making new friends and finding new communities. During these years of moving I have found great joy in following Jesus. My relationship with and understanding of Jesus have changed over the years, and I suspect will continue to do so.  Blogger Benjamin L.Corey posted today about some things that have been helpful to him as he left fundamentalism – which for him was a mental assent to Jesus plus some rules – and started to follow Jesus in a life-giving, life-changing way:

This isn’t a situation of “I used to like apples but now I prefer oranges.” Instead, when you have a paradigm shift within the Christian faith, it is more like: “I think I’ve misunderstood the beauty and complexity of apples. I am now going to begin a journey to discover a new and better way of understanding, appreciating, and enjoying apples“.

Yes!  See, I hear a lot about other gods that use the same name as Jesus.   The Jesus that will provide for everyone -- a job, the means to survive.  Stability, marriage, and kids -- you can have those, too.  But you know, I heard another Jesus say that in this world you will have trouble. I've learned not to buy into theology that isn't applicable for everyone, everywhere.  I'm trying to follow the Jesus who -- despite death being all around -- is the very author of life, the visible image of the invisible God, the one who says he'll give us rest and who calls us to imitate him in sacrificial love for others.

I've only recently (finally!) read Wendell Berry – he's a farmer, poet, activist, and fellow Jesus-follower. In his book Hannah Coulter, the protagonist says, “I began to trust the world again, not to give me what I wanted, for I saw that it could not be trusted to do that, but to give unforeseen goods and pleasures that I had not thought to want.” Indeed. Great literature and music, intellectual and character challenges, friends in unexpected places and times, a game of tag with children after a hard day's work – life is still messy and full of sorrow, but also beautiful and filled with joy.