It has come to my attention that my friends and acquaintances who are married with children might appreciate some cultural tips on dealing with your single brothers and sisters. Below is something that I wrote several months ago about experiences related to singleness and childlessness that frequently come up in my mind and in private conversations but that I rarely see discussed publicly:
1. Life isn't a contest.
2. I'm glad when I hear someone say that marriage made him less selfish or that having children made her learn to think about others besides herself. But just because I don’t have kids doesn't mean that I am selfish. Thankfully, God doesn't want any of us to be self-centered and, if we are willing, God will use our life experiences to shape us into more caring, outward-focused people. In order to take good care of patients I work long hours, stay on top of the latest information, listen attentively and initiate difficult conversations when necessary. On top of that I volunteer thousands of hours per year for a mission organization, and often spend several hours per week helping out friends and acquaintances. But again, life isn't a contest.
3. Raising children is very hard, and it’s great that our culture seems to be recognizing that. For one thing, it is very draining to get up in the middle of the night -- I know this first-hand, since parenting isn't the only job that requires this! :-) I get up in the middle of the night after a long day’s work to go out in the freezing cold to the hospital to care for strangers who may be appreciative or may not – making critical decisions at 3 am and having to look professional while doing it. Being a parent is hard in other ways, too, of course. But that doesn't actually mean that in every way being a mother in the US is the hardest job on the planet. (I think about the subsistence farmers that I've met who use hand tools to barely get enough food for their family who face life-altering and frequently life-threatening parenting trials and concerns.) Also, see #1 again.
4. I get really excited when my friends have babies, and I also get really sad when they lose babies. I also get sad sometimes at the slowly-dawning realization, month after month, that I probably won’t ever have a baby myself. Please consider the possible sorrow of all the childless people in your midst – not just the married ones -- when sharing news about infertility issues. We may actually feel your sorrow more than you know.
5. Your body probably changed when you had a baby. I, too, have stretch marks (from puberty and weight gain – life is stressful!). I, too, have had months of swollen feet and ankles (tropical countries). I, too, have had months of nausea on end (third world living). Let’s appreciate all of that, and not imply that the only valid excuse for stretch marks is pregnancy. (Again, see #1.)
6. I also get tired and like to stay in most nights and follow quiet pursuits, and need a lot more time to recover from a sleepless night. Some things you experience may actually be changes due in part to age, not necessarily parenthood – we might have more in common than you think.
7. If you were only a single adult for a brief period in your early 20s, you might not know what it’s like to be single in your 30s, 40s, and 50s. On the one hand, we have many things in common that you may not think about when you view us as yourselves decades-ago: we have careers, house and car purchases, we worry about planning for retirement and taking care of aging parents, etc. But also, although we might not have some of the really tough concerns that you do about your children, we might have some worries that you don’t – who will take care of us when we get older, or develop a debilitating illness? How do we deal with cross-country moves all by ourselves? How do we handle all home responsibilities (yard work and repairs and cooking and grocery shopping) as well as taxing jobs?
8. You might have chosen to have children, but that doesn't mean that I necessarily choose not to. Not having met a wonderful guy who was available at the right time wasn't necessarily a choice on my part. I can rejoice with you when your marriage is going well and be sad with you when it is falling apart. But please don’t assume that we've all had the same options.
9. My definition of "alone" is actually the dictionary one -- when I say that I did something alone, I mean with no other human being. For example, when I mention that things are difficult right now because I recently moved to another state "all by myself," and you respond that you did that, too -- but you mean that you moved with your life partner or even with your life partner and all of your children, this is frustrating. I'm sure your move was challenging -- like mine, you left your friends (well, most of them -- you did actually make the move together with one of your best friends), unlike mine perhaps you have the additional challenge of no longer having extended family to help with the kids. But you did not actually move by yourself. There are actually people in your new city (in your own house!) that you have known for more than a few weeks.
10. Single people actually miss out on some things you might not think about.
- Playing -- When I’m with my friends’ kids I love getting to actually play: board games, card games, tag.
- Talking about our day – I know that doesn't always happen (or happen well) with married people. But do you realize it can be the norm for singles who live alone to not talk with anyone about how their day has gone?
- Marking life milestones – I know many spouses complain that their partner does nothing for their birthday, but who typically plans a birthday celebration for a single person? Who makes sure that the job successes or other milestones are celebrated? They often just pass by.
- Holiday routines – as much as possible, I spend my holidays with family members. I don't always get to be with family on the holidays due to distance or time constraints with work, and I don't consistently get to see the same family members. Except when alone on the holidays, I do not spend the holidays at my own house, nor do I celebrate the same traditions every year -- I participate in the traditions of the people I'm with.
