Laughter

"Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you'll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life."
--Pablo Neruda 

I saw this beautiful quote tonight and it got me thinking. Last night I posted on Facebook that I loved the fact that when I was recently in a situation that could have been embarrassing or awkward, my first response was to laugh – heartily and genuinely and without fear. I posted that the laughter was my “natural” response. And in that moment it was – it revealed who I am right now, when I'm at my best. Which is why I was so happy to see that as my response. It revealed a “me” that is in keeping with what I say that I believe: that I am loved and lovable and have no need to be ashamed.  (Zephaniah 3:14-20)

Although I really like Neruda's quote, I'm not 100% sure that I agree with it. I seem to have “found myself” multiple times. These days, in my despairing moments, what I seem to find in my inmost self (and, indeed, in my conception of the universe and my trajectory in it) is not the same “reality” as that which I see in the joyous moments.  And many years ago, I would have said that my deepest nature was sin. Thankfully -- after decades of actively listening to God's Spirit, reading the Bible, applying what I learned from many wonderful theologians, choosing to look to Jesus, and living -- I think differently. I still see the blackness of my heart, but I also see many things to love. And even when I'm faced with the yuck, I have learned grace. Years of choosing to walk in God's grace have also taught me grace for myself.

I was at a missionary gathering a few years ago and the speaker invited us to think of how difficult it was for us to love those who wronged us. Then he asked that we imagine how much more difficult it must be for God to love us. He then went on about how terribly hard it was for God to try to love us. What? Costly, yes. But difficult? This seminary-trained man (who shortly thereafter started a church) reads and studies the same Bible that I do and comes up with a radically different concept of God. I wanted to shout out, “Blasphemer!” but I wasn't entirely sure that I knew the definition of that word (and I'm so tired of Christians crying “heresy” at slight doctrinal differences – also, I thought my motives were a little judge-y judge in the moment).

To me, the story of myself as one who sins is part of my story. There are important things to be learned from that part of my story, but it's only one part. I now see the over-arching storyline of the Bible revealing a God who loves the entire cosmos – which includes people, which includes me. A God who actually – somehow – IS love. (1 John 4) It is sometimes hard to believe – in the light of history, in the light of current events, in the light of my own quickness to anger. But I do believe it to be true. And it is truly good news.

Algún día en cualquier parte, en cualquier lugar indefectiblemente te encontrarás a ti mismo, y ésa, sólo ésa, puede ser la más feliz o la más amarga de tus horas. --Pablo Neruda