Walk with god

For 17 years I've dreamed of taking a walking trip in England.  It turns out that my good friend Sara also had that dream, so for the past ten years we've talked about it, and finally planned do it this year! For me it then also served as a great break after the intense year I'd spent in a medical training program, re-gaining knowledge I'd lost on the mission field.

Unfortunately, two weeks before the trip I had a bad fall off of a horse.  It was incredibly painful for me to walk even a few feet, and yet we had planned to walk 9 to 16 miles a day on our trip!  I slowly improved, and just before the trip walked three miles:  but it was incredibly slow and painful and I needed to ice my back afterward.  Thankfully, God designed our bodies in such a wonderful way that they often are able to heal, given enough time.  During the first week in England I was grateful that - although very slow - I was able to complete each day's walk. 

The words above the windows of this church say, "Walk with God."  I found this phrase very meaningful, as we saw this church right before starting our second week of walks. The previous days when we hiked in the Yorkshire Moors were full of the presence of God: in the varied beauty of the nature around us, in our interactions with the people we met, and in my awareness of God as a very present help in time of trouble as I struggled with both physical pain from the accident as well as with worry and distress over the healing process.

Through it all, my friend and walking companion Sara also acted as the hands and feet of Jesus as she helped carry my luggage, waited for me with patience when the pain caused me to suddenly need to rest, and acted as a comfort (either with a listening, sympathetic ear, or a joke, a worship song, or even a well-timed burst of a song from the 80s). 

God walks with us all the time - may we have eyes to see.

God's Sovereignty

One of the most important items on my to-do list today is to read about interstitial lung disease.  (I precepted one case with the director of my fellowship program last week, and she told me to read up on it - and she'll be my preceptor every day this next stretch of work, which starts this Saturday, so I'd better be able to discuss the subject intelligently.) But I've been reflecting lately on the subject of God's sovereignty and a few recent conversations with friends where the subject came up, and I either just shut down or responded too quickly.  I thought it might help me clarify my thoughts to myself - and also respond better to friends in the future - if I wrote them down:

God's sovereignty is no longer a comforting concept to me. I do still believe that God is sovereign, but I no longer find that a  comforting notion, nor something that is helpful to reflect on when I need comfort.

I suspect that in the past, when I thought that I was trusting in God's sovereignty I was often conflating it with other things. (Once when I told a friend that I was trusting in God for something she challenged me, “Really? Or are you just in denial?”) Growing up in a middle class family in North America, I have a baseline of trust in a social structure and infrastructure, and trust that in any time of trial that I or my loved ones would at least receive the best medical care possible or that insurance would cover part of any loss of property. But now I have lived in places where it appears that God has often chosen not to intervene, even when families and sometimes entire communities or swaths of a country have lost everything from a storm – and where losing everything means that now their children won't go to school or that they and their children may even die (from the storm itself or from its economic sequelae). There are so many countries where people die every day from diseases that are easily preventable or treatable in other places. And where the survivors still put their trust and hope in God. I do find hope for the distant future in the concept of God's sovereignty: I believe that Jesus will return to make all things right, and God will wipe every tear from our eyes. But in the meantime lovely people suffer, go hungry, and die in the details.

I get frustrated when I hear the concept of God's sovereignty used to explain things that I think are due to economic/geographic happenstance, or even the results of long-term abuse of power. I still believe that all good things come from God, and I thank God when good things happen. But if God's sovereignty is directly involved when you get the job you wanted when you live in a place with 6% unemployment, what does that mean for my friend who cannot find any job in a place with 80% unemployment? And what does it mean when the poverty and lack of jobs where my friend lives has a direct historical relationship to the plenty where you live?

I also sometimes get angry when I hear people cite God's sovereignty when it appears that it is being used to justify acceptance of (or even outright collusion with) evil systems that are designed to benefit some and worsen the lives of others. I believe that we are called to live now the way we will live in the future, and that we are to be a part of setting up systems that bring justice and peace for our families, neighbors, and communities – both as a foretaste of what is to come and also because people's lives (even now!) are important. So if new laws or repeals of old protections cause my neighbor to suffer injustice or want, this does not seem like a time for us to take comfort in God's sovereignty – this seems like a time for us to storm the gates of hell.

So, I do not currently find the idea of God's sovereignty comforting (although again, I do still believe that God is sovereign). What does give me comfort and hope in trial? The fact that if our neighbor is suffering, we have the privilege of suffering alongside, and that we can comfort others with the same comfort that we have received. The fact that even though there is much evil in this world, God can give us the strength to resist evil, to work for good, to maintain love in our hearts. The fact that we know that God is on the side of love, justice, and hope. The fact that God is always present – rejoicing and moving toward the good, and weeping with us in the bad.

Micro-enterprise Training - Report from the team

The Haiti team reports:
Medical Ambassadors Haiti helps people build up their economic lives and experience local development starting with themselves. We show them they have resources within their communities that they can utilize which will help them grow in business. We also show them how to help their families grow economically so that they do not go hungry and always have sufficient funds to pay for their children’s school without depending on others.

We held a training in the Cap Haitien office for all the master trainers as well as ten other trainings done in communities throughout three provinces. Those trainings were on micro-enterprise and savings groups (called “mutual solidarity”), as well as on agro-industry. We did many demonstrations on agro-industry such as making liquid laundry soap, shampoo, house cleaner, white vinegar, tomato paste, tomato sauce, hot sauce, perfume, and hair pomade.

We found the means to be able to “reinforce” the savings groups in some communities [meaning to add to money used for short-term loans]. We bought materials for the agro-industry trainings done in the communities.

The communities told us that they really loved the training and that they will put it into practice because they can sell what they make in the communities. There are people there who already sell products in the market and from their homes.

Personal note:

Today I was talking with my landlord, who is interested in micro-enterprise projects. She asked me if we send out reports "like Kiva does." This is what I told her: 
-- I received a report about our micro-enterprise program from our team last July. Since all of our micro-enterprise projects are currently funded by just one donor, and I was going to see that donor the next month, I printed off the report and planned to translate it for him in person. 
--I only had a partial day to spend with the donor (a family member), and we ended up just chatting and hanging out with family.
-- I found the printed paper report (still in Kreyol) buried on my desk a few weeks ago. 
--This past Saturday I was at the hospital and had a bit of time where I needed to still be there physically (due to a medication a patient was on) but didn't need to attend to anyone. So I translated the report and e-mailed it to myself. 
--Today, after my landlord and I spoke, I finally e-mailed the donor the translated report and also posted it here (above) and on Facebook. 
Conclusion: please pray that we would find people who have free time and administrative skills that want to volunteer with us! Our team does wonderful work year-round and it is important that their work is seen, celebrated, and supported!

Micro-enterprise Triumphs

Testimonies from Mombin Crochu

"I have a small business selling beverages.  When I first started it with my own funds it didn't go well.  The small profit that I made did not really help me with my personal needs.  The CHE program teaches micro-enterprise.  I became involved with CHE.  I came to know more about business and I also received a small starter fund through CHE that I could add to my own funds.  My business grew and I increased my profits.  This has enabled me to pay for school for myself as well as to pay for school for a few months for my little sisters.  And I also contribute to food in my household.  My father is in the Dominican Republic trying for a better life but it isn't going well -- he can't find work so he can't send money back here to his family.  I am very grateful to the CHE program for their good work and for what we have learned." 

"I have a business selling rice as well as things people need for sewing clothes [needles, thread, etc.].  When I started a long time ago I made some profit.  I am married and have children, and I have this business to help my husband because he cannot make enough for our family.  Now I'm associated with the CHE group in Mombin Crochu and they had micro-enterprise teaching.  I now understand my business better.  I was able to get a small loan and this enabled my business to grow.  I now make more profit because I understand better how to manage my business.  My business has also grown.  This has improved my family's economic outlook."  

About our Micro-enterprise Program

Someone asked me a couple of years ago if we did micro-enterprise teaching. I said that we had lessons that we hadn't taught much for years since that portion of our program wasn't regularly funded. That person asked me to send him a plan for use of funds - turns out our director had an entire 5-year plan in his head for whenever we found funds. :-) Since that time, just one donor has funded teaching in many villages throughout northern Haiti in both micro-enterprise as well as savings groups.  We have such a creative, hard-working, plan-ahead team!

More wonderful stories!

We asked volunteers about the changes they have seen in their homes and communities as a result of the Community Health Evangelism (CHE) program.  Here are some of the stories from people in Lospinit (northeastern Haiti):

Gremicile Jean-Charles, Community Health Evangelist in Lospinit

I had children and there were many things I didn't know.... They show us how to make water potable. My children used to get watery diarrhea. Now that I treat our water they don't have diarrhea anymore.

I have six children. They showed me how to live well with your husband. If you yell at him, well, you should lower your voice. I've started to do this. When my husband yells, I speak calmly. Your children buy the words from your month [Kreyol proverb to mean they will imitate you]. You should serve as a good example. Our anger used to last longer, but now when I calm down I see that we don't fight so much, and we also protect our children in this way. My husband has also learned this. If I start to talk loud, he gets softer. Then the fighting ends. CHE taught us this.

Charles Wisline, committee member in Lospinit

I am very grateful to CHE because they explained a lot of things to us. I didn't know how to make a dishrack, I used to put dishes on the ground. CHE taught me to make a dishrack for my dishes.

I already washed my hands before starting with CHE, but I poured water over them. Now I have a Tippytap because it's easier and you don't waste water.

They explained to me how to dig a hole for my trash. This way the trash isn't spread all over your yard, it's just in one place. That is cleanliness, it's better.

They explained me how to wash vegetables well and also to boil the food well before eating. I like this because I don't get sick this way.

They explained to me that I shouldn't let my children walk barefoot, especially when they are near pigs. This is so they don't get worms.

Ana Jean-Louis, Community Health Evangelist in Lospinit

When I cooked I used to put the dishes on the bare ground. When I washed dishes I would put them on the ground, too. Now I use a dishrack.

I have an improved, raised cooking stove [cooking fires on the ground can lead to badly burned children, also to animals getting into the food] that I keep in good condition. I used to use one but when it wore out I didn't fix it. Now I always keep it in good condition and don't make a cooking fire on the ground anymore.

When our hands are dirty, when we finish working in the garden, when we finish going to the bathroom we use the Tippytap. I used to put water in a basin to wash my hands. But now we use the Tippytap and we don't waste water. [With the Tippytap] you also don't need someone else to pour the water for you.

When we wash dishes we put them on the table and cover them so that flies don't land on them and make us sick.

I used to tie my pigs up close to the kitchen. Now I take their excrement and put it in a hole and cover it with dirt. I use this for fertilizer.

There is a couple that lives with me. Sometimes they fight. I talk with them and do lessons for them, hoping that they will stop arguing. I haven't given up yet!

Note:  the above stories were collected in 2013.  The Lospinit program remains very active.  Funds for my time in the northeast were donated by World Challenge, one of our Haiti team's major partners.

Stories of Transformation - more from volunteers in Lospinit (northeastern Haiti)

Noël Resimene, Community Health Evangelist in Lospinit

I've been in CHE [Community Health Evangelism] since the beginning, in 2000. We started with perinatal training.  I've had a lot of children. I took them to the hospital a lot, and they often had red hair because they were malnourished. I learned about nutrition in CHE and now my children are healthy.

I go to people's houses. When you go to someone's house you greet them. They have us come in, ask us to sit. We show them some things in a brochure. We see that they make changes – they have good latrines, they have Tippytaps [simple handwashing device]. They ask us to leave us brochures so they can continue to read. They make dishracks, they wash their dishes, they cover the clean dishes so that flies cannot sit on them and bring cholera....

I love all the lessons: how to wash hands, how to make water potable. I don't buy chlorine tablets anymore – we do SODIS [solar disinfection of water] so that we don't get sick with cholera.

Edner Exile, Community Health Evangelist in Lospinit

What I like about CHE is that when we are learning a lesson it's the same way it is when you are a child at school, you learn. Then after you learn, you go share with someone else. Then after we learn something they teach us something else so that we can continue to more forward.

I say all of this because once I had a problem – my wife was pregnant with our first baby. We lost the baby but it wasn't because we weren't doing everything we could: every eight days I had her get a check-up. I spent a lot of money, but we lost the baby. When she got pregnant again, with the second baby, we had success. Then she became pregnant a third time and lost the baby. With the lessons I learned in CHE, I thought about them, and realized we shouldn't try to get pregnant again right away. We should take a little rest. It's because of CHE I say thank you very much, they gave me this great idea to take a rest.

Amelie Jean-Baptiste, Community Health Evangelist in Lospinit

What I like about CHE is the Bible teaching. When you see a portion of Scripture, that really helps you. If you have a disagreement with someone we have learned we shouldn't yell at people. We have changed this and really behave better with people within the CHE group and with our neighbors. We even tell the children they should live like brothers and sisters and not argue or hit each other or throw stones and hurt one another. When there is fighting the children suffer and their parents suffer, too. They listen to us, and even though they still fight sometimes it's gotten better.

Augustin Viola, Community Health Evangelist in Lospinit

CHE has given me a lot of information, because every month I go to the trainings the trainers give. We wash our fruit, and when we cook our food we cook it well. They advise us to dig a hole for trash and to build latrines.

I didn't know about making a hole for my trash before. But I have one now. I really like this. When the hole is filled you cover it or you can burn it – that depends on the kind of trash. When you have papers you shouldn't let them blow all over your garden – we put them in the hole or burn them.

We shouldn't tie up our pigs in the same place where people go to get water. I didn't have pigs when I first started with CHE. Now I have them and I tie them under a tree. I don't let my children go over there without shoes so that they don't get worms. I have five children. I always have them put on shoes – even if they sometimes take them off!

You need to give your children a toothbrush so they brush their teeth every morning. Whether you're a child or an adult, before you go to bed you should brush your teeth again. Really, you should brush your teeth three times a day.

They taught me how to gain wisdom, how to talk with people – you can't just do it in any old way. You need to reflect. For example, in your neighborhood a neighbor's animals might come into your garden and eat your plants. But you shouldn't yell harshly at your neighbor, you should speak with wisdom.

Note:  the above stories were collected in 2013.  The Lospinit program remains very active.  Funds for my time in the northeast were donated by World Challenge, one of our Haiti team's major partners.

Brotherly Love (July 2015)

“You look really happy.” The clerk at the Miami Airport Sheraton hotel said that to me last night, about half-way through the check-in. And it was true, I was. I'd been annoyed earlier, though.

Waiting in the Cap Haitien airport earlier that day, I was seated near a very friendly guy with a voice that carried well. He chatted with most of the people near him. He had lived in many countries, but made some rather amazingly ignorant statements about language and history and current events. I ended up seated in the same row as he was on the plane, and got to hear more of his theology and life philosophy as he chatted to the guy in between us – much of which I disagreed with. I asked God to help me see him as my brother, and that helped a little – but then he would say another ridiculous thing and I would mutter under my breath again. I then focused on my breathing, which actually did help a lot.

We landed a little late in Miami, but I still should have had plenty of time to get to my next flight. However, I hadn't yet been issued a boarding pass for that next leg and the two lines for that were chaotic – many of us were told to wait in one and then later told to move to another, several agents and passengers were snippy. I still had some time and it wouldn't have mattered terribly much to me even if I missed my flight, so I wasn't frustrated due to the wait. I was getting annoyed, though, by the statements of some of the people around me. A couple of the guys behind me were pushing two of my buttons: annoying travel talk (complaining about common travel inconveniences as if they were rare, and emphasizing how much they traveled internationally) as well as throwing out certain theological statements that I find objectionable. It didn't help that they had similar accents as the guy who'd been near me for hours that day (to my untrained ear – they were from Alabama and the previous guy was from Texas).

One of the thing they complained about was how horrible American Airlines was compared to Delta. I interjected that similar things had happened to me on Delta before, and it turns out the difference was that they had premier status on Delta. So they were used to privileged treatment (okay, so maybe that's another one of my buttons). Then one of them mentioned again how frustrated he was that he still wasn't home, then added that perhaps God had done this for a reason, saving them from some tragedy. This pushed my “9/11” button – you know, all the people who told stories about people who didn't go to the Twin Towers that day as if God had particularly orchestrated events so as to spare them. (I'm not a fan of this idea since it leads to God somehow not caring about the thousands who were there that day -- indeed, some popular pastors currently preach that God is okay with destroying people). My waiting-in-line companion then said about the missed flight, “After all, how are we to know what's bad and what's good.” Argh! There's another one: this popular concept that assumes that what we want and desire is likely opposed by God, and ignores that we were made in the image and likeness of God and are hopefully daily being shaped more and more into God's image, growing to love what God loves and walk in the ways of the Kingdom of God.

Airplane guy had said something similar – he'd been doing a job that he was very skilled at and really loved, but he felt God calling him “to trust God alone, to do things in His power” and so left his job in fear and trembling to be a “full time Christian missionary.” Who did he think had given him those skills that he had been using? How is using your innate talents somehow not trusting in God's power and creative energy and design? More than doing something random that you are able to call “full time Christian missions” ?

But then I kept talking with the guys from Alabama - they were very chatty. And they were funny, and kind. One of them mentioned how sorry he felt for the gate agents having to deal with such frustrated passengers, and added in his Southern drawl, “Boy, aren't they receiving some blessings today.” I'd heard Southerners use that word ironically in movies but not in real life – it was really cute.

It was then my turn to go to the gate agent, and she was really helpful and we ended up laughing a lot. My flight was already closed, but she gave me a dinner voucher (I hadn't eaten much that day since I'd spent a lot of it waiting in lines, so this part was particularly exciting to me – silly to be so happy about this, since I would have had no trouble paying for dinner myself), a night at the Sheraton, and re-routed me to Minneapolis in the morning. The shuttle bus to the hotel was packed and the driver kept making funny announcements and telling us that we were going to the best hotel ever. The staff at the reception desk were very professional, and acted as if this were the Ritz Carlton. I knew I had a restaurant meal soon to come, followed by a huge, comfy bed.

So yes, I was happy when I was getting checked into the hotel. While I was bummed that I would be missing the church service in Minnesota that I had been looking forward to (with people I've worshiped with for decades, which is now an uncommon occurrence in my life), the disruption in my travel plans wasn't serious. The two guys from Alabama had helped me to move past my earlier internal ishy-ness – and since Jesus put so much emphasis on the love we are to have for one another, I am very grateful to my brothers in Christ for helping me get there last night. (And hopefully beyond last night, as when similar issues come up I will doubtless remember them.) And my physical needs were being catered to fantastically well. Happy.

Written at the Philadelphia airport – in the City of Brotherly Love. :-)

Laughter

"Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you'll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life."
--Pablo Neruda 

I saw this beautiful quote tonight and it got me thinking. Last night I posted on Facebook that I loved the fact that when I was recently in a situation that could have been embarrassing or awkward, my first response was to laugh – heartily and genuinely and without fear. I posted that the laughter was my “natural” response. And in that moment it was – it revealed who I am right now, when I'm at my best. Which is why I was so happy to see that as my response. It revealed a “me” that is in keeping with what I say that I believe: that I am loved and lovable and have no need to be ashamed.  (Zephaniah 3:14-20)

Although I really like Neruda's quote, I'm not 100% sure that I agree with it. I seem to have “found myself” multiple times. These days, in my despairing moments, what I seem to find in my inmost self (and, indeed, in my conception of the universe and my trajectory in it) is not the same “reality” as that which I see in the joyous moments.  And many years ago, I would have said that my deepest nature was sin. Thankfully -- after decades of actively listening to God's Spirit, reading the Bible, applying what I learned from many wonderful theologians, choosing to look to Jesus, and living -- I think differently. I still see the blackness of my heart, but I also see many things to love. And even when I'm faced with the yuck, I have learned grace. Years of choosing to walk in God's grace have also taught me grace for myself.

I was at a missionary gathering a few years ago and the speaker invited us to think of how difficult it was for us to love those who wronged us. Then he asked that we imagine how much more difficult it must be for God to love us. He then went on about how terribly hard it was for God to try to love us. What? Costly, yes. But difficult? This seminary-trained man (who shortly thereafter started a church) reads and studies the same Bible that I do and comes up with a radically different concept of God. I wanted to shout out, “Blasphemer!” but I wasn't entirely sure that I knew the definition of that word (and I'm so tired of Christians crying “heresy” at slight doctrinal differences – also, I thought my motives were a little judge-y judge in the moment).

To me, the story of myself as one who sins is part of my story. There are important things to be learned from that part of my story, but it's only one part. I now see the over-arching storyline of the Bible revealing a God who loves the entire cosmos – which includes people, which includes me. A God who actually – somehow – IS love. (1 John 4) It is sometimes hard to believe – in the light of history, in the light of current events, in the light of my own quickness to anger. But I do believe it to be true. And it is truly good news.

Algún día en cualquier parte, en cualquier lugar indefectiblemente te encontrarás a ti mismo, y ésa, sólo ésa, puede ser la más feliz o la más amarga de tus horas. --Pablo Neruda

God is good. All the time.

I think that the majority of my Facebook posts are positive – I usually post about finding something fun or funny, or that I am grateful for something or someone.  I rarely write the words “God” or “Jesus” in my Facebook posts, although I have been following Jesus for over 20 years. I believe that God is honored in this.

There are two major reasons why I frequently hesitate to write “God” on Facebook. The first is because in my worldview, God is supporting everything that is good, and God is present in everything that is difficult. Everything. All the time. So if I were going to write about God's involvement in something, it would be in every sentence:

When I write about food, I think about God's creativity and creation. I really do – every single time that I write or think about food, I think about the One who came up with such a wonderful idea and sustains it all. When I write about joys in the town I recently moved to or about my frustrations with the number of times I've moved, I am conscious of the rather direct ways in which God led me here: 1) someone read a mass prayer letter I sent and wrote to me about moving here, and 2) at a time where there were very specific ways that I needed to grow in my profession, this town afforded me opportunities in that direction that were beyond what I'd even hoped for. When I write about my friends and issues of provision, I am very aware of the fact that despite my frequent moves God blesses me with quality relationships. I also know that many of the reasons that I am single have to do with my worldview and with my personality – which I also choose to accept as a gift from God.

There is a second reason that I do not readily verbally attribute gifts to God on Facebook, and that is due to my understanding of spiritual warfare. I frequently write “Life can be so wonderful,” instead of “God is good,” because while I believe that God is indeed undergirding all good things that happen, and verbally thank God countless times per day (I live alone, which makes this easier to do out loud!), I also know that I have the wonderful things that I write about because I was born in a country that uses power and violence to obtain its wealth. I am conscious that so many of my brothers and sisters suffer and (literally) die on a daily basis to support my access to material things. This gives me pause when thinking of writing “God is good” about a glass of wine when so many are denied access to clean drinking water.  I do thank God for the wine -- and for my job, for my apartment, for my potable water that comes on tap.  But I hesitate to write about "blessings" that in one sense come from God but in another very real sense come from a place very, very far from God's heart.

I believe that in the fullness of time God's Kingdom will come in completeness as the earth is made new and becomes one with heaven. I seek to consistently choose the Kingdom way of love, generosity, kindness, forgiveness, mercy, honesty, and justice. I truly hope that God is glorified in every aspect of my life, including Facebook. :-)

P.S.  In reflecting further on this issue, I have two additional comments.
1) Another reason that I do not always write about God's working in my heart on certain issues because Facebook isn't a particularly intimate space.
2) In both Spanish and Kreyol I write or say "God willing" when discussing planned future events.  I do this because it's expected of me in those contexts.  But after decades of becoming more profoundly aware of God's involvement and activity and presence, adding "God willing" seems superfluous.  And yes, I have read the fourth chapter of James.

Faith Journey

I've been thinking of how each of our faith journeys is so unique – we learn new things about God and the world on a daily basis, and our life events and the people we interact with also have a huge impact. Below I've written some of the spiritual themes that have been important to me or critical to my thinking at different points in my journey.  I've organized the post by groups of years followed by themes, important authors, and (sometimes) key Scriptures.  I could have added a whole section on how each of these themes has had a direct impact on my day-to-day life ("identity in Christ" coming just before the stressful medical school years, non-violence readings starting again shortly before a work crisis with someone who abused power), but that would have made it far too long!

Some of the concepts that were important to me early on in my faith journey are still critical today, like knowing my identity in Christ.  Some have evolved throughout the years, like my understanding of what God's sovereignty is and my engagement in spiritual warfare.  Some have expanded beyond my wildest dreams, like my understanding of grace and my confidence in Jesus as the living word of God.

I hear that some people's reaction to certain of the authors that I've read is to worry about a "slippery slope".  And indeed, during the first decade of the 2000s I was sometimes fearful of such a thing.  But perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).

Turns out, my externals have not changed considerably in the past two decades: I still spend a several hours each week volunteering in causes both physical and spiritual. I am chaste.  I tithe and give offerings.  I read the Bible daily and also set aside specific prayer time each day in addition to praying throughout the day.  I may be somewhat more cynical when privileged people in wealthy countries ascribe their fortunes to God's provision, but I am more confident than ever of God's constant presence with us all, that Jesus is worthy of following to the uttermost, and that he will return to earth to restore all things. Maranatha!

1983 – 1991
Am I “in”? Did I really “pray the prayer” with sincerity? 
--Limited reading of "spiritual" material: Charles M Sheldon, Guideposts magazine
--Scripture: Good News Bible (denim cover!)

Contemplative prayer
--Joyce Huggett

1992 - 1996
Assurance of salvation, purity and sin, God's sovereignty -- meaning that God specifically orchestrates events and we should look to God to speak to us in a supernatural way

Spiritual warfare, Identity in Christ (including asking for forgiveness of self and forgiving others), healing prayer
--Neil Anderson, Brennan Manning, special church meetings (pentecostal, revival), John and Paula Sandford, Joyce Meyer
--Scriptures: Ephesians 6, also lists of verses proclaiming my identity in Christ -- that I am loved, have a purpose, am significant 

"Christian basics"
--C.S. Lewis, John Bunyan, Oswald Chambers, the Alpha course

Women in the Bible and in our world
--Gilbert Bilezikian, Kari Torjesen Malcolm

"God moments," verbal evangelism
--Henry Blackaby, evangelism training (Navigators, Billy Graham Evangelistic Association), David Wilkerson
--Scripture: “Romans Road”

Inner city ministry, overseas persecution, holism
--John Perkins, Floyd McClung, Christian Community Health Fellowship, Voice of the Martyrs

1997 - 2004

Continuation of much of the above, especially identity in Christ and verbal evangelism

--Christian Medical Association (plus more of the above-cited sources)

More "Christian basics"
--Augustine, Thomas à Kempis, Brother Lawrence, John Chrysostom

2005 – 2011

Missions and ministry, holism

--Lesslie Newbigin, David Bosch, Vincent J. Donovan

--Scripture: Word study of “salvation” and “saved” and their multiple meanings (both physical and spiritual)

Kingdom of God and eschatology

--N.T. Wright

Women and Men in the Bible and in our world (again)

--Christians for Biblical Equality, Junia Project, Katharine C Bushnell

Power: “power under” (vs. “power over”) and other concepts of authority

--Walter Wink, Greg Boyd, Henri Nouwen, Oscar Romero, Desmond Tutu

--Scripture:  Philippians 2

Grace

--Anne Lamott

Changing understanding of God's sovereignty: Lots of great things happen to those who are wealthy (in global terms) that they ascribe to God but are more likely due to an unjust system that favors them and hurts others.  God is present and wants to work with us and through us for change.

--Scripture: Matthew 5:45

Human beings are created in the image and likeness of God. Our understanding of God's direction and will is not only to be understood by a special “word from the Lord” but also through the wisdom we have gained and the godly character that has been formed in us over time.

--Scripture: starting the story in Genesis 1 rather than in Genesis 3

Expanded vision of spiritual warfare, principalities and powers
--Walter Wink, John White

2012 - 2015
Much of the above plus:
Non-violence (re-visited)
--Martin Luther King, Jr., William Stafford, Elias Chacour, Benjamin L Corey, Walter Wink

Testing theological concepts with the question, “Is it valid around the world?” Continuing evolution of my understanding of God's sovereignty – the Kingdom of God is indeed breaking out all over and someday will come in power and fullness, but meanwhile lots of horrible things happen to people.  God is still present.

How we read Scripture

--J.R. Daniel Kirk, Peter Enns, John H. Walton, Rachel Held Evans, N.T. Wright

--Key phrase: “Authority of Scripture” is a shorthand for “God's authority exercised through Scripture.” (N.T. Wright)

Everyone is welcome at the table (and I don't need to stress about who God might “let in”), recognizing followers of Jesus by the fruit of the Holy Spirit (not just orthopraxy, but the attitude of love in which our actions take place counting as much as or more than a merely verbal assent to orthodoxy)

--Nadia Bolz-Weber, Rachel Held Evans, Justin Lee

--Scripture: Luke 14

Below is a list of one or two of the books by some of the authors listed above that were formative for me. I have learned much by many authors and preachers and speakers and bloggers, many of whom are not on this list.

Neil Anderson, Victory over the Darkness

Gilbert Bilezikian, Beyond Sex Roles: What the Bible Says about a Woman's Place in Church and Family

Henry Blackaby, Experiencing God

David Bosch, Transforming Mission: Paradigm Shifts in Theology of Mission

Greg Boyd, The Myth of a Christian Nation

John Bunyan, Pilgrim's Progress

Katharine C Bushnell, God's Word to Women

Elias Chacour, Blood Brothers

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
John Chrysostom, On Living Simply
Vincent J. Donovan, Christianity Rediscovered

Peter Enns, Inspiration and Incarnation: Evangelicals and the Problem of the Old Testament

Joyce Huggett, The Joy of Listening to God

Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ
J.R. Daniel Kirk Jesus Have I Loved, But Paul?

Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God
Kari Torjesen Malcolm, Women at the Crossroads

Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Floyd McClung, Seeing the City with the Eyes of God

Lesslie Newbigin, The Gospel in a Pluralist Society

Henri Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus
Henri Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son

Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart
John Perkins, Beyond Charity:  The Call to Christian Community Development

John Perkins, Resurrecting Hope

Oscar Romero, The Violence of Love
Charles M Sheldon, In His Steps

Desmond Tutu, The Rainbow People of God
John H Walton, The Lost World of Genesis One: Ancient Cosmology and the Origins Debate

David Wilkerson, The Cross and the Switchblade

Walter Wink, Jesus and Nonviolence: A Third Way

Walter Wink, Naming the Powers

Walter Wink, Unmasking the Powers

N.T. Wright, Scripture and the Authority of God

N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope

Poetry

"Nèg mawon" ("runaway slave," or "free man"), a famous statue in Port-au-Prince.  I'm not sure if this is the statue referred to in the poem below, but it's what I first thought of.  Photo taken from this blog.   I don't know the blogger but she has some great pictures!

I have been reading Open Gate:  An Anthology of Haitian Creole Poetry (ed. Paul Laraque and Jack Hirschman).  The poems are all originally in Kreyol with English translations.  The poem below was translated by the author.

Horizon of Gunbutts
by Patrick Sylvain

The history of my country is
in every link of chains
at the foot of Boukman's copper statue
overlooking a dusty town
at the depth of despair
with candlelights of anger
burning in every tired palm.

Low black clouds convert light
into darkness, the Man with a fat cigar
stands in front of the black mirror,
at Palais National where he plunders dreams
silently.  Leaving only rocks
and drifting dust behind.

The icebergs of nightmares are melting
in our imprisoned minds as we journey
along the horizon of gunbutts,
sticks and chains.

One by one, we are starting
to pull our shadows away
from burning cages.
There's a new man in the mirror
he holds a clock which is slowly ticking
like a dying breath.

His eyes and fat hands are
desperately searching for our dreams.
The sun is slowly conquering low black clouds
to establish a permanent noon.

Here is the same statue with the National Palace (spoken of in the poem) visible in the background.  The palace was destroyed in the 2010 earthquake.  I found this picture here.

In Kreyol:

ORIZON KÒS FIZI
Patrik Silven

Istwa peyi-m nan
chak may chenn ki nan
pye estati an kwiv boukmann lan
k'ap konstate yon vil pousyè
nan kòtòf kalfou dezespwa
kote bouji kòlè boule
nan plamen ki fatige.

Nwaj chabon fè limyè
pran dèy, Nonm avèk gwo siga-a
kanpe devan yon miwa nwa
nan palè nasyonal pou l'vòlè rèv
trankilman.  Aprè pou li lèse wòch
ak pousyè k'ap viwonnen pou nou.

Blòk glas kochma pral fonn
nan sèvo-n ki prizonnen pandan
n'ap peleren anba orizon kòs fizi,
bout baton ak chenn.

Youn aprè lòt, nou kòmanse
deplase lonbraj nou
anba kaj dife.
Gen yon lòt gason nan glas la
li kenbe yon revèy k'ap mache
tankou yon souf devan lanmò.

Je-l ak pimba plamen-l
ap chache rèv nou ak fòs.
Solèy la kòmanse fonn nan dengonn
nwaj andèy pou l'tabli avi yon klète midi.

Here is the same statue with the partially destroyed National Palace in the background.  As this blogger (from whence came this photo) writes, one of the stirring phrases after the earthquake has been "Nèg mawon pap janm kraze," or, "The free man/runaway man will never be broken."  This is also often said of Haiti itself:  Ayiti pap janm kraze.  Haiti will never be broken.

Best Practices

I'm halfway through reading "In Their Own Hands: How Savings Groups are Revolutionizing Development" by Jeffrey Ashe and Kyla Jagger Neilan. The principles the authors discuss, the models used, and the successes seen are what we are using and seeing in Haiti - which is both very encouraging and also very frustrating (more below).

Principles: 

• dependency and handouts are not empowering
• poor people are very smart and careful with their money
• when teaching adults one should apply principles of teaching for adult learners (participatory with immediate practical application)

Models: 

• local trainers (who then naturally have cultural expertise)
• volunteer-based
• an "interactive training process that empower[s] participants to feel ownership over their knowledge." 
• most of the specific savings groups models mentioned (ROSCA, SHG, and now mutual solidarity) are ones that we've used

Successes Seen: 

• voluntary replication/multiplication
• a mentality change in the participants to one of pride in their knowledge and ability

I mentioned above that this is both wonderfully affirming and also frustrating. It is affirming because during my nearly five years of working with our Haiti team I see over and over that we are using best practices. It is frustrating because we are lacking a few critical ingredients to really do our work in the best possible way. The authors of the book brag about the low budgets they work with – but ours are far, far lower and do not permit us to do the more thorough training and follow-up as the authors do. 

We need a development director to help us to have the financial and personnel resources to continue to flourish. If you know of anyone that is skilled in this area and would enjoy the challenge of working with a grassroots organization that is doing phenomenal work, please let me know.

Life is not a contest

It has come to my attention that my friends and acquaintances who are married with children might appreciate some cultural tips on dealing with your single brothers and sisters.  Below is something that I wrote several months ago about experiences related to singleness and childlessness that frequently come up in my mind and in private conversations but that I rarely see discussed publicly:

1. Life isn't a contest.

2.  I'm glad when I hear someone say that marriage made him less selfish or that having children made her learn to think about others besides herself.  But just because I don’t have kids doesn't mean that I am selfish. Thankfully, God doesn't want any of us to be self-centered and, if we are willing, God will use our life experiences to shape us into more caring, outward-focused people.  In order to take good care of patients I work long hours, stay on top of the latest information, listen attentively and initiate difficult conversations when necessary.  On top of that I volunteer thousands of hours per year for a mission organization, and often spend several hours per week helping out friends and acquaintances. But again, life isn't a contest.

3.  Raising children is very hard, and it’s great that our culture seems to be recognizing that.  For one thing, it is very draining to get up in the middle of the night -- I know this first-hand, since parenting isn't the only job that requires this!  :-)  I get up in the middle of the night after a long day’s work to go out in the freezing cold to the hospital to care for strangers who may be appreciative or may not – making critical decisions at 3 am and having to look professional while doing it.  Being a parent is hard in other ways, too, of course.  But that doesn't actually mean that in every way being a mother in the US is the hardest job on the planet. (I think about the subsistence farmers that I've met who use hand tools to barely get enough food for their family who face life-altering and frequently life-threatening parenting trials and concerns.) Also, see #1 again.

4.  I get really excited when my friends have babies, and I also get really sad when they lose babies. I also get sad sometimes at the slowly-dawning realization, month after month, that I probably won’t ever have a baby myself. Please consider the possible sorrow of all the childless people in your midst – not just the married ones -- when sharing news about infertility issues. We may actually feel your sorrow more than you know.

5.  Your body probably changed when you had a baby. I, too, have stretch marks (from puberty and weight gain – life is stressful!). I, too, have had months of swollen feet and ankles (tropical countries). I, too, have had months of nausea on end (third world living). Let’s appreciate all of that, and not imply that the only valid excuse for stretch marks is pregnancy. (Again, see #1.)

6.  I also get tired and like to stay in most nights and follow quiet pursuits, and need a lot more time to recover from a sleepless night. Some things you experience may actually be changes due in part to age, not necessarily parenthood – we might have more in common than you think.

7.  If you were only a single adult for a brief period in your early 20s, you might not know what it’s like to be single in your 30s, 40s, and 50s. On the one hand, we have many things in common that you may not think about when you view us as yourselves decades-ago: we have careers, house and car purchases, we worry about planning for retirement and taking care of aging parents, etc.  But also, although we might not have some of the really tough concerns that you do about your children, we might have some worries that you don’t – who will take care of us when we get older, or develop a debilitating illness? How do we deal with cross-country moves all by ourselves? How do we handle all home responsibilities (yard work and repairs and cooking and grocery shopping) as well as taxing jobs?

8.  You might have chosen to have children, but that doesn't mean that I necessarily choose not to. Not having met a wonderful guy who was available at the right time wasn't necessarily a choice on my part. I can rejoice with you when your marriage is going well and be sad with you when it is falling apart. But please don’t assume that we've all had the same options.

9.  My definition of "alone" is actually the dictionary one -- when I say that I did something alone, I mean with no other human being.  For example, when I mention that things are difficult right now because I recently moved to another state "all by myself," and you respond that you did that, too -- but you mean that you moved with your life partner or even with your life partner and all of your children, this is frustrating.  I'm sure your move was challenging -- like mine, you left your friends (well, most of them -- you did actually make the move together with one of your best friends), unlike mine perhaps you have the additional challenge of no longer having extended family to help with the kids.  But you did not actually move by yourself.  There are actually people in your new city (in your own house!) that you have known for more than a few weeks.

10.  Single people actually miss out on some things you might not think about. 

• Playing -- When I’m with my friends’ kids I love getting to actually play:  board games, card games, tag.
• Talking about our day – I know that doesn't always happen (or happen well) with married people. But do you realize it can be the norm for singles who live alone to not talk with anyone about how their day has gone? 
• Marking life milestones – I know many spouses complain that their partner does nothing for their birthday, but who typically plans a birthday celebration for a single person? Who makes sure that the job successes or other milestones are celebrated? They often just pass by. 
• Holiday routines – as much as possible, I spend my holidays with family members. I don't always get to be with family on the holidays due to distance or time constraints with work, and I don't consistently get to see the same family members.  Except when alone on the holidays, I do not spend the holidays at my own house, nor do I celebrate the same traditions every year -- I participate in the traditions of the people I'm with.

In the above I am in no way claiming that certain people categorically have more difficult lives -- in fact, I'm rather tired of hearing about that (see #1).  In general I really enjoy my life and appreciate the blessings and accept the challenges.  I am really just trying to fill in some gaps on some points that many of my single brothers and sisters wish were more public knowledge.  So there's your PSA for the day.

Assumptions

Today a friend told me about a book she'd read about a missionary's experience in Haiti.  I looked up the author's blog and one of the first sentences I saw was about a 5-year-old child that everyone called a "baby" because she couldn't speak.  My first thought was that they were probably actually calling her a "bèbè" (deaf-mute) rather than "bebe" (baby) -- there is a subtle difference in pronunciation between the two.  Then I wondered how many other assumptions had been made because of this one (likely) misunderstanding.

Then I directed it back to myself -- how many times do I make assumptions based on a misunderstanding?  In this instance, how am I prejudging this blogger and all of the things she might say next?  sigh

I have been incredibly blessed by my friendship with Rick and Rhonda Hamilton, who interned with us in Haiti in 2011-2012.  Rhonda once wrote a blog post about me  and made it clear that she noticed that I'm kind of obsessed with not making cultural assumptions:

You will conclude a matter and Liz will say “I’m not sure I can say that because I just haven’t studied it out.” “I haven’t been here long enough to say that…maybe it's just a cultural thing”. This happens a lot. It challenges me to examine my own thought processes, has exposed my prejudices and has made me a better missionary.

You see, I have been wrong so many times in my interpretation of events.  And people are often wrong in their assumptions about me, about my country.  And then when language gets in the way -- uff!

Today I got angry about other remembered assumptions and misinterpretations about Haiti from my non-Haitian acquaintances.  Then I got angry about things that people have recently assumed about me.  Then I got angry about things that acquaintances have recently posted that criticize medical professionals due to a whole host of assumptions.  Then I thought I should go exercise to get rid of all of this anger -- and remembered that I've had two bum knees for the past six weeks and couldn't run or bike -- so of course I got angry about that.

Oh, Brother Francis!  Make this be my prayer as well:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is discord, harmony;

Where there is error, truth;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.